By Dr. Mike McCormick
Drama can be fun to watch in our favorite movies or streaming shows, but drama in real life is not so enjoyable. It is draining, time consuming, and distracts us from much of our kingdom work. I once heard someone say, the power of the church is a healthy functioning body, but every body also comes unpleasant body odor. As a pastor how can you deal with conflict in your church in a way that guides people toward gospel reconciliation?
Thankfully, our Lord, left us instruction for handling conflict. In the Beatitudes (Matthew 5:9), Jesus places a calling on his followers, “Blessed are the peacemakers.” Let’s first explore two faulty approaches to handling conflict and then see what it looks like to be the kind of peacemaker Jesus intends us to be.
Peace-Breaking is one extreme that doesn’t line up with Jesus’ call. It creates division and barriers of separation. Attitudes and actions that break peace are part of our everyday experience and often lead to the need for our pastoral role of Peacemaking. Peace-Breaking often paints others into categories and treats people as objects. It sounds like: “You never…” “You always…”, and “Those people…” This person often shows up as a persecutor in relationships, and is the opposite of Jesus’ character of humility and acceptance. Some pastors break peace and push away hurting people when their own prejudice causes division where there should be grace. For example, “We can’t invite in or minister to those from certain social backgrounds or political party” Pastors break peace when they alienate groups of believers based on preferences cloaked as the “truth” of doctrine without delivering that truth with an attitude of gracious humility. A few questions to ask yourself if this pattern is part of your pastoral track record:
Peace-Faking is another shadow side of peace-making, and involves that pretending barriers of separation do not exist. It is often overly polite and even Pollyanna. It sounds like: “Everything’s fine” or “It’s no big deal.” In reality, it is a failure to be truthful about what’s standing in the way of peace. Sometimes a pastor’s desire to make everyone happy puts them in the dangerous territory of trying to please or rescue everyone, which usually results in pleasing no one because there are no healthy boundaries. Peace-faking may look like a pastor being an absentee father, missing their kids school activities or helping with homework because they just can’t say no to people in their church who are in need. The pastor’s family is paying a high price for his absence. A few questions to ask yourself if this pattern is part of your pastoral track record:
Peace-Making, is the calling of a Pastor in conflict. It removes barriers and brings people together for a common good or purpose. This kind of effort is hard work demanding strength, commitment, and sacrifice. Questions for a Peace-Maker include:
God’s word provides His way of implementing reconciliation based on Jesus’ teaching.
Matthew chapters 5 and 18 provide instruction for God’s reconciliation process and can be summed up as:
Encourage each person to, “take the log out of their own eye.” Each person should spend time asking God to show them their own shortcoming and contribution to the conflict. Honestly and openly confess any wrongdoing or wrong thinking on their part, ask for God to forgive them and show them His will for the desired outcome. Write these personal failings down and confess them to God in prayer. Also take note of the outcomes God has shown He desires in this situation.
Once each person has taken inventory of their own heart and have God’s will in mind, they are ready to have the second conversation with the other person. Each person should start by taking responsibility for their part in the situation, even if it was simply a lack of awareness or caring about the other person. Be humble enough to admit the situation may not have handled as well as could be on their own end. Admitting and apologizing for one’s own faults, rather than making excuses for bad behavior, has a powerful disarming effect and establishes trust with the opposing ‘side’. Only after each participant has humbled themselves and taken responsibility for their part are they ready to speak truth in love. As Jesus says, “Go and show your brother his fault” and “Go and be reconciled.” State the facts about the situation and, if appropriate, the negative impact on others. Then take time to listen to the other person’s point of view. When we feel heard, we feel valued. Focus on finding a solution rather than dwelling on divisive issues.
Peace-making is hard work and requires maturity on the part of the pastor and participants to reach reconciliation. It encouraging to know that God sees the effort we put into peace-making and he promises to bless peacemakers with the strength and joy of his presence. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.”
*For a more thorough explanation of handling church conflict, read The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande.
